as published in TRUCK WEST Magazine 2005 - and thanks to artist Jamie Bowen
--------------------------
You might like to forward the above to several of
the 'geniuses' that legislate some of this nonsense..

---

maybe the BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR..
Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

Stay with me now - there's more..

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars  were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

and NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim  and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA..

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THE JEWISH FUNERAL

Sam died.. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper.
"Tell me, how much did it really cost?"
"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."
"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really...  $50,000?"
Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.
Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big  is it?"
"Five and a half carats."

---

Observations - 2006 (or, Deep Thoughts for those who Take Life Way Too Seriously)

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

99 percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Every one has a photographic memory.. some just don't have film

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Light travels faster than sound.  That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

---

A young hotshot gets a job with the Revenue Canada.
His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi , so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send them to Revenue Canada, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

News we were just waiting to hear from Australia

A West Australian buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical West Australian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pain.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical West Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The West Australian father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Swan Lager beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

the Zurich (investment) Axioms

the CONTRACTORS DICTIONARY

(as published in the Supply Post - and many thanks to Bill Bosovitch from Rock Creek, BC)

Following was put together by a frustrated friend..

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

and ADVICE TO GIVE YOUR DAUGHTERS ( by anonymous frustrated feminist.. :-)
1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

'Signs' for the Stupid

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up.  Here's your sign."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope.  I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.  Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago.  A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.  We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge.  The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.  I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.  He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem.  I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself!  I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

some Words of Wisdom

• It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• It's a small world, so you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique - just like everyone.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
• If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
• You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
• When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.
• The trouble with work is - it's so daily...
• The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
• Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy.. check 3 friends - if they are OK, you're it.
• Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
• Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing (quote - Oscar Wilde)
  
• Ability is of little account without opportunity (quote - Napoleon Bonaparte)
  
• Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work ! (quote - Thomas Edison)

some of the BUMPER STICKERS and SIGNS seen around the Planet!

• Impotence.. Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
• Jesus loves you.. but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
• Everyone has a photographic memory - some just don't have any film.
• Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
• Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
• Guys...just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one..
• Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• Try not to let your mind wander... It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
• Hang up and drive!!
• "We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.."
• "Fight Crime - SHOOT BACK"
• "Honk if you've never seen an UZI fired from a car window"
• "WANTED - a Meaningful Overnight Relationship"
• "Lead me not into temptation! I can get there by myself thanks."
• "Life is Wonderful - People are Beautiful - Business is Great"
• "Tax me - I'm Canadian!"
• "INCOME TAXES are a fee for working and a penalty for success" (my apologies - this one is true and not very funny..)


• "~ I Owe, I Owe - it's off to work I go ~"
• "Built like Bull ~ Hung like hamster ~"
• "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
• "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
• "Out of my mind.. back in five minutes."
• "Born Free... Taxed to Death" (see below - Revenue Canada)


• "IRS (and/or Revenue Canada}: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. "
• "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
• "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
• "If love is blind why are sales of exotic lingerie so good?"
• "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
• "Grow your own Dope.. plant a man"


• "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
• "Save a Tree - eat a Beaver"
• "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
• "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian"
• "No Radio - already been Stolen"
• "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
• "I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!"
• "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control"
• "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better"
• "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist"
• "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill"
• "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory"
• "Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your Turn Signals ! "
• "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse"
• "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy"
• "Socialism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere is operating a business and actually making a profit "
• "Definition of Buffoons: see your dictionary under Politician; Canadian government " (see also above.. Socialism)
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative" (a prerequisite for becoming a socialist Canadian politician!)
• "Stupidity is a virtue" (see the above - a prerequisite for becoming a socialist Canadian politician!)
• "It has been confirmed that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians"
• "Politicians and Diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason"


• "Be nice to your kids.. They'll probably get to choose your nursing home."
• "There are 3 kinds of people - those who can count & those who can't."
• "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
• "Old Age, Experience and Cunning will always outsmart youth and enthusiasm"
• "If I ever see Scotty again I'm going to shove his communicator where the sun never shines"
• "You're just jealous because the voices don't want to speak to you"
• "You will have to speak up Sir.. did you say you need the extra-Small condoms??"
• "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity "

the LAWYERS

Know any Lawyers?

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheats on his wife with three different women. One of them is your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for ontempt."

 the DOCTORS