Last updated.. January 2010

the wanna-be Christmas (2009) airline bomber..

The question that comes to mind - what will this genius (Umar, the Muslim moron) do with the 70 virgins he was promised by mohammud now that he has blown his balls off?

Are you planning to come into Vancouver for the 2010 Olympics? You may have to adjust some of your driving habits..

Fourteen New Driving Regulations from the 2010 BC Drivers' Handbook

1. Using your turn signals will give away your next move. A confident BC driver avoids using them - particularly in rush hour traffic.
   

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a 'safe distance' between you and the car in front of you because the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation
   
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
   
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
   
5. Braking is to be done as late and hard as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
   
6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
   
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are generally not enforceable in BC during rush hour - and specifically in the Vancouver area.
   
8. Just because you're in the left (hammer) lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a BC driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. Do not be concerned..
   
9. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen in BC as a sign of respect for the victim.
   
10. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. BC is the home of high-speed slalom driving - particularly during rush hour traffic congestion. Remember that the goal of every BC driver is to get ahead of 'the pack' by whatever means necessary - drive accordingly.
    
11. It is tradition in BC to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green. It is seen as your responsibility to encourage the other driver to drop his telephone (or Blackberry) and bring him / her back into focus.
    
12. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from this obvious danger.
    
13. In BC, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
    
14. And finally, driving in the 'hammer lane' at well below the posted speed limit is a clear indication that you are well aware - and highly respectful of, the laws of BC and, that you are also 'green aware' (ie., conserving fuel at the same time). Both of these attributes are much respected by other BC motorists. These actions also encourage the other driver(s) to conserve fuel by reminding them that driving at higher speeds is wasteful - particularly when these drivers are anticipating to catch either a ferry or an airplane or, when they are late for a critical business meeting. You should 'highlight' your keen driving skills by traveling directly alongside other vehicle(s) moving at the same (fuel-conservative) speed, and thereby ensure that everyone is aware of your intimate knowledge of the law and your environmental concerns.

 

as published in TRUCK WEST Magazine 2005 - and thanks to artist Jamie Bowen

You might like to forward the above to several of
the 'geniuses' that legislate some of this nonsense..

the Irish Priest

If you have an Irish ancestry - this one is for you..
An Irish priest, Father O'Malley, was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station... and the conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day t'yerself - This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment..
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true - but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

Sam died.. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper.
"Tell me, how much did it really cost?"
"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."
"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"
Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone.
Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?"
"Five and a half carats."

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
  

• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name
  
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  
• Every one has a photographic memory.. some just don't have film
  
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
• Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

the Zurich (investment) Axioms

Risk - Worry is not a sickness but a sign of health -- if you are not worried, you are not risking enough.
Greed - Always take your profit too soon. Decide in advance what gain you want and, when you get it, get out.
Hope - When the ship starts sinking, jump. Accept small losses as a fact of life.
Forecasts - Human behaviour cannot be predicted. Distrust anyone who claims to know the future.
Patterns - Chaos is not dangerous until it starts to look orderly.
Mobility - Avoid putting down roots. They impede motion. Do not become trapped in a souring venture because of sentiments like loyalty and nostalgia.
Intuition - A hunch can be trusted if it can be explained. Never confuse a hunch with a hope.
the Occult - If astrology worked, all astrologers would be rich.
Optimism and Pessimism - Optimism means expecting the best, but confidence means knowing how you will handle the worst. Never make a move if you are merely optimistic.
Consensus - Disregard the majority opinion. It is probably wrong. Never follow speculative fads. Often the best time to buy something is when nobody else wants it.
Stubbornness - If it doesn't pay off the first time, forget it. Never try to save a bad investment by "averaging down."
Planning - Long-range plans engender the dangerous belief that the future is under control. It is important never to take your own long-range plans or other people's seriously.

Following was put together by a frustrated friend..

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

some Words of Wisdom

• It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  
• It's a small world, so you gotta use your elbows a lot.
  
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  
• Always remember you're unique - just like everyone.
  
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
  
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
  
• If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
  
• You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
  
• When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.
  
• The trouble with work is - it's so daily...
  
• The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
  
• Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy.. check 3 friends - if they are OK, you're it.
  
• Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.
  
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
  
• Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work ! (quote - Thomas Edison)

some of the BUMPER STICKERS and SIGNS seen around the Planet!

• Impotence.. Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
  

• Jesus loves you.. but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
  
• Everyone has a photographic memory - some just don't have any film.
  
• Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
  
• Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted..
  
• Guys... just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one..
  
• Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
  
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  
• Try not to let your mind wander... It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
  
• Hang up and drive!!
  
• "We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.."
  
• "Fight Crime - SHOOT BACK"
  
• "Honk if you've never seen an UZI fired from a car window"
  
• "WANTED.. a Meaningful Overnight Relationship"
  
• "Lead me not into temptation - I can get there by myself thanks."
  
• "Life is Wonderful - People are Beautiful - Business is Great" I guess that it depends on what you are smoking...
  
• "Tax me - I'm Canadian!" NOTICE TO INVESTORS - Due Diligence in CANADA'r - consult your accountants..
  
• "INCOME TAXES are a fee for working and a penalty for success" (my apologies - this one is true and not very funny..)
  
• "~ I Owe, I Owe - it's off to work I go ~"
  
• "Built like Bull ~ Hung like hamster ~"
  
• "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
  
• "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
  
• "Out of my mind.. back in five minutes."
  
• "Born Free... Taxed to Death" (see below - Revenue Canada)
  
• "IRS (and/or Revenue Canada}: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. "
  
• "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
  
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
  
• "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
  
• "If love is blind why are sales of exotic lingerie so good?"
  
• "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
  
• "Grow your own Dope.. plant a man"
  
• "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
  
• "Save a Tree - eat a Beaver"
  
• "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
  
• "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian"
  
• "No Radio - already been Stolen"
  
• "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
  
• "I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!"
  
• "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control"
  
• "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better"
  
• "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist"
  
• "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill"
  
• "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory"
  
• "Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your Turn Signals!"
  
• "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse"
  
• "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy"
  
• "Socialism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere is operating a business and actually making a profit "
  
• "Definition of Buffoons: see your dictionary under Politician; Canadian government " (see also above.. Socialism)
  
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative" (a prerequisite for becoming a socialist Canadian politician!)
  
• "Stupidity is a virtue" (see the above - a prerequisite for becoming a socialist Canadian politician!)
  
• "It has been confirmed that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians"
  
• "Politicians and Diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason"
  
• "Be nice to your kids.. They'll probably get to choose your nursing home."
  
• "There are 3 kinds of people - those who can count those who can't."
  
• "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
  
• "Old Age, Experience and Cunning will always outsmart youth and enthusiasm"
  
• "If I ever see Scotty again I'm going to shove his communicator where the sun never shines"
  
• "You're just jealous because the voices don't want to speak to you"
  
• "You will have to speak up Sir.. did you say you need the extra-Small condoms??"
  
• "Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"

the LAWYERS

Q - "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
A - Absolutely! What's the second question?

Know any Lawyers?

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
During a trial, a small Southern town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheats on his wife with three different women. One of them is your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for ontempt".

The doctor is really a magician!
A patient, who had swallowed a 25 cent coin, came into the office one day and the doctor made him cough up $300 cash..

Feel free to 'click' to e-Mail your best and we will make sure it is included here..
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